I'm grateful for my failures

I’m glad that I didn’t get into my masters program.

I’m grateful for my failures.

Failure allows for learning and growing. It allows for an individual to take a path and accomplish something they might have never thought possible if said failure had never occurred.

My biggest “failure” to date was not getting into my masters program the first time I applied back in 2016. This had been a goal of mine for almost two years and I had completely devoted those two year to accomplishing it, nearly destroying my body in the process. I was taking 5 classes per semester at the UofC, most of them high level sciences with lab components. I managed to pull off a 3.7 GPA but the stress this entailed resulted in me not being able to get enough sleep and severely under eating. This had some major consequences.

Consequence 1: My training suffered. There were so many practices where I would leave, defeated and upset with how I had performed. I wasn’t able to hit pace times I knew I was capable of and I was exhausted. No matter how hard I tried I wasn’t able to improve and at times seemed to be getting slower.

Consequence 2: My body started to shut down. I suffered a stress fracture, had heart problems, tibias posterior tendinosis and tibias posterior tenosynovitis, and amenorrhea.

Consequence 3: I was not happy.

Basically, I was a mess. But, I was able to lie to myself and tell myself it was ok because I was going to get into my masters and then everything would be ok. All the sacrifices would be worth it and I would magically be happy again.

Its funny how all of a person’s good memories can become fuzzy and forgotten over time yet all of the bad ones seem to remain crystal clear. As if they just happened yesterday and not years ago.

It was a Thursday and it was raining. I was sitting on the couch in the family room just about to head out to go to work - it was men’s night and I was working the beer cart that day. I decided to check my emails before getting dressed. I saw that I had a new, unread email from the UofA with the title Masters of Science in Physiotherapy Application. I clicked on it, feeling my chest tighten as if someone had taken a hold of my heart and was squeezing it. I quickly read through the first paragraph, thanking me for applying, stating how many kids had applied, how the field was getting more and more competitive every year…right to the bottom: I was not chosen but had been placed on their wait list. The imaginary hand around my heart squeezed harder. Just the simple act of breathing hurt. I had been rejected. All of the sacrifices had been for nothing. I was a complete failure, letting down everyone. The kid who growing up everyone assumed would become a doctor because she was always the smartest in her class, won all the academic awards. The kid who had dropped out of pre-med and switched into Kinesiology. The kid who had decided to apply for a masters instead of writing the MCAT. The kid everyone had assumed would get in on her first try, back up plans be damned. Numb, I got up, got dressed and went to work. I managed to put on a smile to everyone else, while on the inside I felt like I was drowning. I remember all of the members asking me why I was wearing sunglasses when it was so overcast and drizzling. I tried to come up with different witty response when the truth was that in-between groups I was balling my eyes out. For four hours I would cry, see a group, tell myself to pull myself together for 60 seconds, serve them, drive away and fall apart again. It was rough. Defeated and broken, I ended up taking the next week of work and training off and drove out to Kananaskis everyday. Some days I hiked, some days I rode my bike. There was a lot of self reflection. What did I want to do with my life? How did I become so unhappy? Did I want to reapply next year? Did I want to continue with triathlon? How do I even begin to fix my injured, broken body?

It took the rest of summer to fully answer these questions. I thought back to the last time I was truly happy: my last year at RDC. I was taking a full course load, on the x-country and track and field team, part of a triathlon club, masters swim club, cross-fitting, olympic lifting and working and coaching. I not only managed to juggle all of these things but my diet and sleep pattern were solid. I even managed to have a bit of a social life. How could I replicate this in Calgary? I decided to go back to the UofC in open studies full time to increase my GPA. I decided I wasn’t ready to give up on triathlon and was going to give it at least one more year. I sought out a sports doctor who was known for dealing with running injuries and was placed on an intense physio regime. I decided to start coaching again and became a junior coach for my club. I started Olympic lifting again and throwing in some cross fit workouts. I tried to stop worrying about the future and abandon the notion that based on my age I should be accomplishing certain life milestones. I switched my focus from long term to short term, focusing on the present.

The outcome? I was able to overcome my injuries - I was able to run pain free again and by April was training with zero restrictions. I got my diet under control and by the end of the year got down to 15% body fat. I managed to pull off a perfect GPA both semesters. I was not only running fast but my swim and bike were finally approving. I fell back in love with my sport and was able to have goals other than remain injury free and just finish a season (or a race). I was HAPPY. So why am I happy that I didn’t get into my masters? None of this would have happened if I had. I would have been put into an extremely hard program with a broken mind and body. I probably would still be dealing with injuries, miserable and unhappy.

I ended up applying again for the masters program this past summer. Everyone told me that I was pretty much guaranteed to get in as this was my second time around. Unfortunately, I was once again waitlisted. A funny thing happened this time. Of course initially I was upset. But by the end of the day I was ok. I accepted it and was ready to move on. Did I have any clue what the next year of my life was going to look like? Nope. But I believe in fate and that the universe knew I wasn’t ready to be in the program the first time around. So obviously the universe has other plans for me this year that don’t involve school. And I’m ok with that. I know that I’m meant to be a physiotherapist (and a triathlete) and I am not going to let 2 setbacks stop me from fulfilling this goal. I plan on applying again and again until they accept me. But for now, I’m excited to find out what the universe has in store for me this year. I don’t want to tie myself down with expectations and plans for the future. I want to take it day by day and do things that make me truly happy. I spent a large chunk of August interviewing for various jobs. There were some wonderful opportunities to put my education to use but I would have had to sacrifice my training and I’m not the kind of person who is willing to have a job that completely consumes my life. I want a job that understands me and is excited about my passions, willing to help me grow as an athlete and individual.

I don’t need to have my life planned out, be married, thinking about babies and picking out that perfect house in suburbia. For so many years I felt pressure from friends, family and society to go down the traditional road. It’s ok not to want this. It’s ok to go against society’s norms that have been set for young women. It’s ok to have big dreams that may even seem impossible. It’s ok to struggle and fail. It’s ok to be wild and free.

For those individuals who have their lives sorted out I’m happy for you. For those who haven’t had any major setbacks or failures I’m glad you didn’t have to experience the pain and heartbreak the accompanies it. But I wouldn’t change any of my experiences for the world because they have made me the person I am today - tough and resilient. I’m no longer afraid to say what I really want and not ashamed that its different then what most people would envision.

Failure does not equal automatic future success. You have to make the decision to pursue this success. Dig yourself out of the grave, claw back up and fight. If your currently going through a failure or setback, I hope you persevere because it’s definitely worth it.

Erin Van Vuren is an amazing writer/poet and I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

You are no ordinary force. You are an instrument of the universe. Powerful beyond measure. You are an influence. Remember this when the storms come for you.